conversation that followed the thought of suicide

clearly, i wasn’t happy with how/what my life was at that moment, hence the thought of suicide crossed my mind.

i just saw a friend post about their struggle with suicide, and a quote in their story was, "i came to realise that i didn't want to die. i just wanted my life as i knew it to end." i think that sentence is so important. your life can always take a different path and direction

so, i knew i didn’t want to continue living life like this, and for that, i knew i needed to make some radical changes to my lifestyle.

i realised, if i am not happy with my current life and wish to change things, i have got to start with changing things i do daily, my habits.

you’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. the secret of your success is found in your daily routine.
john c. maxwell

we first make our habits, and then our habits make us.
john dryden

if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.
brian tracy

but first, i needed to practise radical acceptance of myself and my life situations. because it is only when i accept myself and my life situations as they are and as they are not, that i can go on to look at them objectively and make the most out of the situation.

resistance causes persistence, acceptance causes disappearance.
unknown

i said to myself,
“this is the life i’ve been given.
these are the circumstances.
this is what’s working in my life right now and this is what is not working.
this is how i am.
this is what works for me and what doesn’t.”

i looked at and accepted the advantages and disadvantages // pros and cons of being me and the life i was living.

i then asked myself, “what kind of a life do i want to live?”

we have these social constructs and expectations as to how one “should” live their life. what they “should” be doing in their life at a certain age, etc.

we go to school, we then start working, then we are “supposed” to get married, start a family maybe, and so on.
and eventually, we die.

it’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s life.
tryna make ends meet, you’re a slave to money then you die.
bittersweet symphony, the verve

it is the thought of what will people say/think and how they’ll judge me for living life as i am, that causes a large part of my anxiety.

i thought to myself,
“if i am going to die eventually, and i’m only ever going to live once, this one life that i’ve been given, why not live as per my own terms; why not do and pursue that which fulfils me?”

all these things that i’m worried about, they don’t even matter in the grand scheme of things.

we are all no one (objectively speaking).
we are smaller than what a dust particle is for us in the context of the whole universe!

i just happened to have been born on this planet, in this galaxy, in this universe, which is still not entirely discovered! heck, we are still discovering new forms of life on this planet itself!

“what am i worried about?”, i asked myself.

following these thoughts i had a feeling of gratitude towards having the opportunity to live and experience this life.

“the only way i can honour this life”, i thought to myself, “is by living it to the fullest and making the most of this time i have available here.”

people’s opinion of what i’m doing and how i’m living my life is not important as long as i am content with the life i am living.

don’t you worry ’bout fittin’ in when you are custom made.
drake

check out this reminder t –>

i said to myself,
“i’m going to treat this life like a game, or an adventure. and i am going to have as much fun as i can before the game is over.” (which it will be, and we can never be sure when)

and by fun i don’t mean getting drunk and partying. that is just one idea of fun. i’ll invest my time in doing things which are fun for me.

i realised that the least i can do is make the most out of this life i have been given.

i then asked myself,
“how can i live my life from this moment on, such that, when i eventually die (of natural causes), i would be content with how and where i invested my time, money, and energy.“

i started thinking as to what does “living my best life” mean to me?
how would it look like in everyday life?

i've said that. life has no inherent meaning, no meaning ordained by god. the universe doesn't provide us meaning. if we didn't exist, meaninglessness would not be a problem. we do, however, exist and we need meaning. therefore, if there is to be meaning, we create it. we give life meaning.

the meaning of life is to give life meaning
unknown

i discovered that living my best life, for me, is crossing things off of my bucket list.

i maintain lists for:
ways i can add/create value,
what i want to read,
what i want to watch,
music i want to listen to, make, perform.
what i want to learn,
places i want to visit,
experiences i want to experience.

i thought to myself, if every day i can check some things off of my bucket list, on my death bed i would feel i made the most out of my time here in this life. i spent my time doing what i wanted to do, experience, explore.

again, that doesn’t mean there won’t be hard times. they will always be there. that’s part of life. but the areas, commitments under which i go through hard times is up to me.

recommended read: thinking right in wrong times

that’s me living my best life in my eyes.

that’s the meaning i’ve given to my life.